So I came out...

Not in Riga, my sad hometown. Obviously not there. The Latvian society is really not ready for such honesty on my behalf, and I personally do not consider myself ready for becoming subject to so much public hatred. [:D for sarcasm, :( for how true that statement is]

I live in a small town in a Western country. Full of young people.

First, I told my best friend. She looked at me and was like: "Thank God. Now I don't need to pretend you are straight." :DDD We laughed and are now even closer than before.

Then I told my other friend, and another one, and another one. Everyone seems to be aware by now.

Nothing changed. It's not that it came as a shock to anyone. Everyone was kind of wondering whether I was gay, and I simply confirmed it. Most people probably feel that I became more confident now and managed to make an important step forward, that from a latent gay I became an open gay. I don't really think that anyone thinks of me as a straight guy who suddenly turned gay.

We go out and party, and have film nights, and dance, and get wasted, and sleep over at each other's places. Nothing changed.

My coming out came naturally and easily. I did not have a painful process of learning how to accept myself. I was never in self-denial. I always knew, agreed with my nature and was proud. I just didn't tell other people for some time. Then one day, I woke up and thought: "This is it. I can tell people now." And I did. As easy as that.

I also feel incredibly calm. I didn't doubt for a second for what I was about to do. I just said it aloud. And it felt so natural and right. I don't feel any inner awkwardness when I say that I am gay. The words sound right... as if I was always saying this to people.

This 'transformation' of mine came literally in a couple of days. One day I was this sociable guy who was "too good to be straight" but never really said he was gay. The next day I was openly gay.

If someone had told me years ago that this would happen like this, so easily, I would have never believed. But it happened. And I am incredibly calm.

Should I be concerned that I am being so calm?

OK. Maybe I should re-consider what I've written. I am calm in public. I am cool with myself most of the time. However, I am a wee bit nervous about how quickly and suddenly everything happened. A bit nervous about why I don't feel different, about how nothing changed, about how genuinely fine I am. I am also uneasy about the "wider picture": I am fine being openly gay right now, here in a small town where my friends live. What about the wider world and my future? Will I be as fine? Once you turn openly gay, you can't really ever turn back and start concealing your identity again.

Will I be fine? Well... I think I will be, actually.

I may look like a fragile guy but I suspect I am actually a fighter. On some level, I always knew that I would never live my life like many gay guys - those who hide and lie. Why should I? It's not a sin. It's as natural as blonde hair or bony ankles. Why should I hide something natural? The fact that some people might have a problem with this should not be my concern.

There were times when I was vane - when I wanted money and career. It changed. Now I am vane but also more reasonable. I still want career but I also want to be happy, to have the loved one, to have great friends. And I don't think career would be my first priority on the wish list.

So... these last couple of days have been the beginning of the rest of my life.

... This thought is a bit scary. But it is also happy and liberating. I have done it. Many guys have not. I am brave, and there are many people who are brave with me. And I will be fine. Yes, I will definitely be fine.

21-23 September 2009