Just a quick note before I sobered up.
What is this thing with gay guys taking HORRENDOUS pictures of themselves and putting them up on this portal?
Note: Yes, I am aware of the fact that I do not have a profile picture. This is because I am not out in Riga. My preppy family has too much at stake there for me to come out. I am perfectly out and about in the West. Trust me, if I had uploaded pictures here, it would have been quality!
OK. Now something that I fail to comprehend:
1. Naked in the shower. Prerequisite: taken on a crappy camera 'from above'.
Seriously? No, I mean: seriously? You think it's sexy? Your pretentious face (lips wide shut) sucks. Your body is usually ok but really... no one wants to see your wet nipples.
Besides, from the artsy point of view, taking a picture 'from above' is never flattering anyway.
2. Bareback on the bed. Prerequisite: you lie down flat as a badly grilled German sausage and someone takes a picture of your skinny skeleton and your horny arse.
Seriously? Porque? You are that passive? You want sex that much? You really think that your arse is beautiful? Well, to be honest, most guys don't actually have nice bottoms. If it's (1) hairy, (2) too fat, (3) too skinny, (4) has problematic skin, (5) is not tanned - it is NOT pretty. Really, we do not want to see that! Actually, it hurts the eyes!
3. Stuck up in the mirror. Prerequisite: you are posing as a porn-star in front of the big mirror while holding your little crappy camera. When it flashes, you get a picture: of you, the mirror and THE FLASH.
Do I even need to describe how sad it is? This is what little girls do when they are 13 and just came back from their first disco where they made out with a 14-year-old boy for the first time, and now they are standing in front of the mirror, slightly drunk, checking whether their boobs are big enough. Apart from the fact that this little girl is you!
When a mirror is involved in your picture, it is a good sign that your picture sucks!
4. Face picture at the arm's length. Prerequisite: you stretch your hand while holding the camera and take a picture of yourself thinking that we can't see who's taking a picture.
Well... we know it's you. We can see your freaking elbow! It's called "a Japanese girl on MySpace kind of picture". Do you actually have no friends who would take a picture of you, so you have to do it on your own? If it's true, it's sad. I would suggest going on the street and asking some random bum to take a picture of you because you want to upload something on ehhh... that social networking portal because you ... ehhh want to get laid eventually. I promise, the picture will be better.
5. Random naked organ. Prerequisite: you must possess some organ (presumably, the one you want to advertise for someone to touch/buy/bite), you should strip it off its clothes, then take your crappy mobile phone camera and take a picture!
Sometimes I am really confused. I don't even know what some people took a picture of. Is it a toe? Some unfinished food? A dead baby? Oh wait, it's a PENIS! Gotcha!
Really, if you advertise your random organ on this portal, you must add a comment so that we all know what it is! If we see some hair (unshaved for decades) and then some pink allergic mass next to it, we want to know whether it's your head? or genitals? or arse? or armpits? or belly? or mouth? Seriously. You put up such precious piece of information about your no-wonder very developed and amazing personality, we want to know more! Share it with us!
Cheers to all those who have self-respect and put up good photo-albums. Good luck to those who are not out yet but think of coming out of the closet and uploading some quality pictures. The rest: you suck!
9 November 2009
